This month of not having to make any food decisions has been a blessing disguised in paper boxes delivered every morning at 7am to my door. Tribe Nutrition certainly is very creative, keeping my taste buds on their toes with new and spicy dishes, filled with superfoods like kale, cia seeds, berries and other interesting ingredients. One of the things that has changed, and is something that I noticed within the first week of solely eating healthy and organic food, is that my skin went from teenage breakouts to soft and no break outs at all; no need for foundation that will melt in the Beijing heat. These are some of my favorite dishes that I will try to recreate for sure:

 

My emotions have been all over the place this month, so I’m grateful for the support in Beijing; even at Oasis hospital they know about my journey and my fight. But this has made me also scared. What if I fail? What if my heart can’t take care of my big body? I feel sad sometimes when I work out as I feel it will explode. There are so many people in the gym that look so amazing and are doing moves with ease I can only dream of.

But then I feel change too. With my workout, I can do so much more than the first time I walked into the gym. I surprise myself with the strength I have. Lifting my toddler, pots and pans in the kitchen has left some muscle. I can do squats with ease; before I would hurt my back when I would attempted them. I almost feel ready to join a group class again, but I’m waiting because I still feel insecure. My weight has not changed but I feel my body has changed already so much. I hoped to lose 30 kilos in this month, I wished it would fall off like a heavy wet outfit, but this is reality. Hoping won’t get anybody anywhere, we will have to work.

This month has made me think about the way the world portrays women, the way we are programmed to think about ourselves and about food. Not eating is good, eating is a sin. Skinny is pretty and fat is ugly. I still want to be skinny, I won’t lie, I would love to fit in my old clothes of Forever 21. But much rather I would be healthy and happy. How do you change the idea that happiness should be rewarded with food, how do you change the idea that sadness needs comfort food? I have been trying to find solutions, different ways to “reward” myself. I have been searching for help in different directions: life coaching, mindfulness and breathing. It’s been a strange fight as food is my biggest friend and biggest enemy. I hope we can find peace one day and that I won’t be afraid of explosions in my battlefield called “life”.